Not an advertisement!

Isn’t it about time you attained

ULTIMATE POWER?

With the Galactomatic-1000 (TM) Basement Universe from General Cosmic, you can do everything God can do, in the comfort of your own home! This handy appliance can open up a negative-matter stabilized wormhole into a newly created universe at the push of a button.

The Galactomatic-1000 has a 27 inch wormhole opening (28 inches in Canada). It provides a full-color view of your new universes, everything from radio to gamma rays. You can climb into your new universe whenever you feel like it! Dispose of trash safely and easily by dropping it into your Galactomatic-1000 and then turning the unit off, thereby pinching the trash off from our space-time continuum forever. Great for yard waste and pesky used plutonium!

Tired of waiting for your universe to cool enough to permit the condensation of atoms? Wait no more! With the handy speed control knob, you can run your new universe at anywhere from real time to 10²² times faster than your own time stream. Set it to 10⁵ and brew beer in seconds! Set it to 10⁹ and breed unlimited quantities of valuable chinchillas in minutes! Set it to 10¹⁴ and watch galaxy-spanning alien empires rise and wither in an afternoon! (*)

And Basement Universes aren’t just for basements any more! The Galactomatic-1000 comes with an attractive imitation wood-grain negative-matter case that makes it perfectly at home in your den or family room. The case reduces its total mass to zero, so you won’t have to worry about imploding your house into a black hole, or discoloring the walls with unattractive gravitational redshifts. (**) And you don’t have to worry about unlimited unidirectional acceleration due to placing large negative and positive masses next to each other. The case of the galactomatic-1000 (TM) is elegantly symmetrical, and the centers of gravity of the negative and positive matter are pre-set at the General Cosmic factory to exactly the same place, minimizing the pesky tendency toward unlimited acceleration that you may experience with other brands of wormhole. Any residual accelerations are prevented by the sturdy no-skid rubber feet, which are guaranteed not to smudge your floor.

Our patented Flexi-Law (TM) feature lets you make universes with a variety of physical laws. Make the strong force a little stronger and let primordial nucleosynthesis provide you with plenty of pure helium for the balloons at your next party!

Do you want to accomplish mighty industrial or scientific operations, or just do a few chores around the house? For a small additional charge, you can become the proud owner of a starter culture of Little Green Guys (TM). Just drop a breeding pair of these helpful aliens into your universe after it cools, set the speed control to whiz past a few millennia, and they’ll create a population of trillions genetically programmed to serve you. Have their planet’s wisest scholars help the kids with their homework! Send millions of coolies to weed the yard! And an army of billions armed with antimatter artillery can provide the ultimate in home security systems!

Feeling swamped by work? No problem! By having your Little Green Guys build their own Galactomatic-1000s, you can create a hierarchy of Sub-basement Universes (TM) and accomplish infinite amounts of work in a finite amount of time. (***)

Need the advantages of a Basement Universe while on the go or at work? Try our Galactomatic-50 (TM) Pocket Universe, a 3-inch wormhole in an attractive snap-shut case. This wormhole connects into the same universe as your home Galactomatic-1000, so you can have your Little Green Guys fetch things from your house, or take things home for you (as long as they’re less than three inches across, of course!). You’ll never worry about forgetting your keys again!

All your Galactomatic-1000 needs is a few square feet of floor space and a few quadrillion watts of electricity (available in 110V and European 220V models.)

Why wait? Call 1-800-GODLIKE for the location of a General Cosmic retailer near you.

(*) Caution: do not leave the Galactomatic-1000 unattended when evolution of alien life is possible. General Cosmic is not responsible for alien invasion or conquest of your home and possessions.

(**) Although the Galactomatic-1000 has no mass, it still has volume, so a shipping and handling charge will apply.

(***) Sorry, only countable infinities of work can be performed by Sub-basement Universes. This offer void where prohibited by the Axiom of Choice.

The Galactomatic-1000 is guaranteed against defects in materials and workmanship until the end of time, or for the life of the owner, whichever is longer. Our liability is limited to the cost of replacement of the Galactomatic-1000 itself. General Cosmic is not liable for damage to the person or property of the user, or to the contents of the universes created by the Galactomatic-1000, including damage due to black-hole creation or antimatter spills. General Cosmic is not responsible for normal wear of the case or any other damage due to the second law of thermodynamics.

Little Green Guys (TM) are guaranteed for ten thousand generations or one million years, whichever comes first. After this time, genetic drift may cause undesirable features to arise. We advise destroying their civilization when the warranty expires. By keeping a few spare Little Green Guys in the freezer, you can always start again!

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EXTROPY #13 (6:2) Third quarter 1994